In this deeply personal reflection, I’ll share my childood experiences with shame, and how they’ve impacted my life. I’ll explore specific instances of shame, such as being embarrassed about my physical appearance or struggling academically, as well as the broader implications of feeling ashamed of my own existence. I believe that by sharing my honest thoughts, I can shed light on the intricacies of shame and the ways in which I have been able to overcome—or rather, manage—its long-lasting consequences on my sense of identity.
Introduction
Shame has been my constant companion since childhood. Certain situations from twenty or more years ago continue to make me tremble or want to hide under a blanket. I wonder if my entire existence has been built on shame.
Feeling embarrassed about physical appearance
I felt self-conscious about wearing glasses, and I would occasionally get made fun of at school for having “four eyes.” I was ashamed that I had trouble with maths and couldn’t tell time until I was seven or eight years old. It was difficult for me to count without using my fingers, especially when the numbers were odd. It was also embarrassing to receive a poor grade in any subject; anything less than a nice or eight was considered as “too low” by my parents.
Height was another issue for me. I hated September as I was one of the shortest girls in my class, and after the summer holiday, everyone would compare heights. Somehow, being the shortest person in the class was seen as humiliating.
Lack of fitness and shame
I felt ashamed about not being fit. In PE class, we had to put our strength to the test every few months by performing push-ups, sit-ups, and runs. We were expected to improve without practice, even though we had never been trained for these exams, and failing them felt embarrassing. I can still clearly recall how ashamed I felt, at the age of ten, about how weak I was.
Toy envy and shame
Another thing that embarrassed me was not owning the newest toys, such Barbies, Legos, or crying dolls. I constantly wanted more and felt envious of other kids who had the newest toys, even though I had a tonne of other stuff. I recall lying to my friends about the toys I owned.
Ashamed of my own existence
When I think back on my early years, I see how ashamed I was of a lot of things—so much so that I think I was ashamed of my own existence.
It has only recently occurred to me that I have never had a close friend who would listen to me and care about how I was feeling. Being a sensitive child, I learnt early on to hide my true self. I wonder if the breakup with my best friend when I was five years old had such a lasting effect on me that I didn’t show my true self to others for the next twenty years? Even now, I’m not always comfortable sharing my true feelings.
When I reflect on my early years, I feel sorry for the younger me. Even though there were times when I felt alone, I also remember how much I enjoyed having my own space and being able to use my imagination. It’s possible that even though I longed for friendship, my alone time brought me happiness and comfort. One of my fondest childhood memories involves putting together jigsaw puzzles on the floor of my room while listening to music on a cassette player. I can still clearly picture the warm sunlight coming in through the window and the vibrant red carpet. At the time, I must have been twelve years old or younger. One of the rare moments when I felt free from guilt and criticism was when I was by myself. Even now, solitude offers me the chance to embrace my true self—relaxed, introspective, and free from outside expectations.
Our minds are incredible. Writing about shame led me in a new direction, even though I had intended to write about my first love in elementary school—a relationship that caused me shame for years because he liked someone else. Maybe next time… 🙂
Conclusion
In conclusion, thinking back on my encounters with shame has made it easier for me to understand how it affects my sense of self in the long run. Shame is a complicated feeling that can have an impact on relationships with others and one’s sense of self. It’s important to recognise and embrace the feelings of shame and to take steps to overcome them, such as going to therapy, speaking with close friends or family, or practicing self-compassion. I’ve come to understand how to appreciate my strengths and embrace my vulnerabilities. I hope that by sharing my experience, I might inspire others to seek help too.
P.S. If you’re interested in learning more about shame, where it comes from, and how it affects us, I highly recommend starting with this book.
Lots of love
Simona xx
P.P.S. This is me in my favourite Mickey Mouse tights and a strawberry sweater!! ↑
I used to think I was ugly, but now I think I was rather cute 🙂
